Feeling Joy

On this trip I have felt so many things: gratitude, happiness, amazement, relief, confusion, delight, exhaustion, homesickness, overwhelmed, and sadness. But while we were on Sao Miguel island in the Azores Islands, I felt something different. Something I don't think we feel enough as adults. Joy.

I am not talking simply about the opposite of sadness. What I am talking about is pure unbridled joy. The feeling you have when what you are doing is so wonderfully all-encompassing that everything else melts away. There are no to-do lists, no budgets to balance, no emails to answer, no cellphone, no wish lists, no self-doubt, no what-ifs or regrets. All that's left is the true experience of the present - what you are doing right now. I have to imagine it is something like the way we felt as children, when we first discovered bubbles. If you have every watched a small child chase bubbles, you know exactly what I am talking about.

On that day in the Azores, the joy day, Colter and I went to Ponta da Ferraria. It is this amazing spot in the ocean that is heated by a geothermal vent. You climb down the black volcanic rocks into the blue ocean - and it's warm! They have installed ropes that cross the cove, so that you can hold on as the waves from the open ocean splash in. Naturally, we needed to try out every rope location. As you moved away from the base of the cove toward the open ocean, the waves got larger and the water was cooler. There was something so amazing about feeling the rush of the cold water coming in and mixing with the warm water from below. We spent a lot of time playing in the big waves. We had fun trying to master our rope surfing, sitting, and standing skills, while resisting the power of the incoming waves knocking us off balance. We truly were playing - like a couple of kids. Though we were sharing the ocean with many others, it felt as if it was just the two of us there. As we moved away from the open ocean, toward the back of the cove, the fun continued.

We found a spot in the warm, chest-deep water where we had a place to stand and a good grip on the rope. We nestled in, and then we waited for the waves... It was hard to deny the power of the waves as they made their way toward us. The power of them pushed against you, forcing your arms straight as you held onto the rope and you couldn't help but smile and let out a Wayne's World-esque kind of scream. Then as quickly as they came in, the waves were headed back out, and the power of the waves pulled you into the rope. You found yourself bumping into and laughing with the strangers around you - who seemed to be having just as much fun as we were. All control was lost and all you could do was hold on. It was amazing.

I soon discovered that if I put my head under the water as the waves rushed in, it was even better. It felt like I was waterskiing or flying, but I wasn't going anywhere. Each time I popped out of the water and looked at Colter we were both in a fit of laughter. Him because from above the water I looked ridiculous (like I was in a wind tunnel) with my hair flowing behind me, eyes closed, and a goofy grin on my face. Me because, well, one he was laughing and two it was just so fun. I was completely lost in the moment.

Often as humans we are feeling so many complex emotions, usually rooted in some past experience that has somehow impacted how a particular situation makes us feel. And don't get me wrong. I think it is important to understand ourselves, so we can not only have empathy for ourselves, but also for others. It is important to know why we react in certain ways, so we can grow, adapt, and flourish in this complicated world. But sometimes, I don't want to analyze my life. I don't want to improve my reaction or make a process more efficient. I just want to be free. I want to let my brain be free. I want to feel without judgement or abandon. I want to find and feel joy; the joy I felt in the waters of the Azores Islands.

But how do I do that? This is a great question, for which I do not have an answer. But what I do know, is that my bank account will not support a trip to Ponta da Ferraria every time I want to let go and feel free. But don't worry. In true Holly fashion, I have a plan. I am going to find those moments where everything else (the things that in the scheme of our lives truly don't matter) disappears and take an extra breath, an extra second, a few more moments where I embrace the joy. So, what are those moments and how do we find them? I think they might be the moments of simple pleasures in our lives, some of which we are lucky enough experience every day. For many the list will differ, but these are some of the simple pleasures that bring me those moments of freedom and joy:

• the smell and sound of coffee brewing as I wake up (often courtesy of Colter getting up earlier than me)
• the first bite of anything my mom cooks for me
• laughing until I can no longer breathe
• dancing in the kitchen with Colter (well, truly, dancing anywhere)
• smelling something instantly brings me to a moment in my past
• finishing a book
• hearing the laughter of my friend's kids
• sitting at the beach
• taking off my bra
• climbing into my own bed
• hugging my friends and family

I doubt that I am always going to be able to take the extra breath, the extra second to truly embrace these fleeting moments of joy, but I am willing to try. I am more than interested in a life where the moments of joy outweigh the to-do lists, the budgets concerns, the cellphone time, the wishlists, the self-doubt, the what-ifs, and the regrets. A life where I am better at living in the moment. Where I am better at enjoying what is happening NOW and not so worried about planning for what MIGHT be coming in the future.